Damn oh damn.
On my 20th birthday somebody gave me a pen.
That somebody… I still wanna know his story – his going ins and going throughs. I still want to know his thoughts and ideas on anything. I still want to make fights with him even on the simplest things. I still want to be updated with his life. I still want to be a part of him.
I don’t want him to assume that I no longer care. I’m afraid he’ll think that it is easy for me not to put up conversations with him and to act as if he doesn’t exist whenever he’s just around me. But for the past months, that’s how things turned out between the two of us. Obviously, I meant every act and if it weren’t for that pen, I’m most likely to keep my distance from him up to this point.
I totally admired him the moment I opened his gift. I instantly realized that he was the one who believed in my dream and until now, he still believes. I still wanna share all my dreams and my stories with him. Of all people, it’s him whom I felt all the details of my thoughts matter.
He will always be a special part of me, a very novelish feels of my memory.
One of the clearest thought I was able to grasp that very unexpected moment he gave me his gift is that maybe we’ll really be always special for each other. Kahit hindi na kami nag-uusap, kahit hindi na namin magagawa ang mga dati naming ginagawa, kahit matatanda na kami, we’ll always be special.
I don’t know how long am I gonna take my distance from him. I am not even sure if it’s still possible to be close with him as we were like before. If by any chance that somebody gets to read this one, allow me to talk to him personally through this blog.
Every time I’ll find a reason to talk to you again, I’ll grab that reason and talk. On that moment, I’ll check on if I still have feelings for you. If that feeling remains, expect that I’ll fade again and if there’ll be no more feelings, I’ll stay. I’ll stay as a friend – a friend who is finally stable on her emotions, matured with her decisions, a friend who doesn’t love you more than as a friend.
For now, take this sentimental good bye. I always pray for you. I keep on asking God to make you understand why I need to keep my distance and hope that you won’t take it against me. Mostly, I keep on praying that you take courage to see the real state of your heart. Take care and thanks for everything.
P.S. This is the first thing I’ve written using that pen.
The problem with us, people is we never apply what we learn. The reason we can’t move on, the reason we always end up with our broken hearts and wounded soul is because we hardly do what we learn from life.
We embrace our emotions too much. We wait for that somebody who can change us, who can fix our hearts, who can heal our soul but even we met that someone, we can never have enough. Because people won’t and can’t do the fixin and fillin we seek. We are all too limited for that and most are even too damaged to fix others. Stop expecting from people. Start surrendering everything to God. He’s our Creator, he knows how to fix us because he designed us.
You may not admit it but I know, all your life you long to be known, to be seen as beautiful and enjoyed, to be loved. I understand that it’s hard to admit it because you don’t want to be seen as vulnerable and desperate. But I want you to know that to long to be appreciated, to be seen as beautiful, to be loved is normal. It’s natural.
God, himself, feels the same way. The God of earth and sky, the creator of everything, also wants to be known, to be explored. Remember the line from Genesis that man is created in God’s image. This image isn’t just referring to the physical features, but this image includes the emotion, the desires, God also has. God desires to be appreciated, to be seen as beautiful and enjoyed, and to be loved, and we adapt that desire from Him.
You may think that “Well, God is really worth it of this appreciation because He is God while me, I am just me.” Now think this way, that God who is worthy of all praise and love, is the One who created you. You are God’s creation, His masterpiece, and so you are also worthy of this love, of this appreciation you long to have. What I’m trying to say is that don’t feel bad for feeling that you long for love; allow yourself to admit even just for once that you really long to be loved. Because admission is the start of the healing you don’t even know you need. Admission is allowing your defences to come down and letting God to work in you, to fill that empty space of your heart.
With my hopes that you now admit that you long for love, I know you’d be searching people who will make you feel loved, who will make you feel beautiful. Here comes the disappointment, because even you find those people who will make you feel fulfilled, every single day you will long to feel that from them and the truth is, they can’t make you feel fulfilled and loved as always.
Dear one, settle in your heart that only God can answer your Ultimate Question “Am I lovely? Am I worthy of your time?” Unless you understand that completely, you will never ever be happy. Each day you’ll just end up chasing for others’ love if you won’t settle in your heart that God finds you beautiful, has deemed you worthy, and in Him, you are enough.
Once upon a time, I had a dream. Along my journey, I lost that dream. It’s because I was too busy looking at others dream. I found their dreams too beautiful that I’ve come to love their dreams. Along my journey, I also found unmet dreams by people whom I got close with. I tried to meet their dreams because I’ve seen the need to fulfil it. I improved it and called it a vision. I shared it with others and now they are the ones fulfilling it. Now that I’m alone again in my journey, I realized I have no more dreams at hand. I was saddened when I realized I lost my dream. I don’t know how am I gonna get back that dream and I realized I cannot continue my journey without that dream. That dream would lead me where I should be heading next. That dream would lead me where do I want to finish my journey. So here I am, getting back to the corner where I first hand my dream. It sucks that I have to go back and start all over again but I believe this would be all worthwhile. As I chase back, I won’t be stopping over again to look at others dream. I’ll be glancing and be happy to see them holding their dreams but I swear I’ll not envy theirs or try to fulfill theirs and loose mine again.
Had a late morning prayer with may cam-mates a while ago. @titapillow shared this line and it keeps echoing inside. “Feed yourself every 2 hour.” #prayer #day32 #100happydays
She has her fears.. but she knows how to handle them.
You know my story. Gusto ko lagi ko silang kasama at kausap kasi ayokong mawala sila sakin. Making them super attached with me makes me think that won’t keep them from leaving me. But no, that won’t stop them from not staying. As what the cliché in our church says ang tao nagkakasakit, namamatay and worse, nagbabago ng isip. So people may always leave us behind even how much we get so attached with each other. Sad story? Yea, but if we make God the centre of all our relationships, there would be no sad good byes. Yeah, imagine, how could God afford not to bless relationships which glorifies Him? He will bless everything you’ve entrusted Him. Therefore, I fear no more. I fear sad good byes no more.